My balance is all off lately. Had intense highs, intense lows, now trying to get my bearings and it's proving to be a bit difficult. I feel like I'm on the verge of something that will be really wonderful, but now some self-sabotaging issues are creeping up on me. I can see 'em coming, and it's got me fretting rather than focused on continuing to move forward. I wonder if this is an anxiety attack? I feel like I can't breathe, have to "escape" (from what? to where?), am slightly weepy, unfocused on the incredibleness that is my life, letting minor things become huge, etc. I get on top of it, then it comes back, and it's distressing me because my Perfection Mind says that once dealt with, sadder emotions should never reappear. That's just silly.

It's a real battle in my brain between what I know and what I feel. My perspective is very screwy. I feel like I'm all emo woman, but I'm really not. I'm simply afraid. And when I become afraid, I become afraid of that emotion - as though it's the worst possible thing I can feel and if I feel it, then I'm a failure in some way. I feel this cringing need to apologize, but I don't know for what. Not being super strong, together, never fretting, always centered perfection?

I told you, man, my vision is all kinda wonky.

I'm taking the week off to regroup. Journal writing, meditation, and reading for the internal muck and mire. Cleaning, organizing, clearing, simplifying for the external muck and mire. I fully expect the external clearing to have an internal impact as well. May play some WoW, may goof on Facebook, may do nothing online at all... heh, yeah, that last one's not going to happen.

Anyways, I need to settle my mind and return to my self.

Om, babies.